Think of the difference between the terms "fathering a child" (you're thinking: sperm donation), and "mothering a child" (you're thinking: raising, loving, and taking care of baby).I don't think a tune named "Mama was a Rolling Stone," however catchy, would have made it to the top of the charts.A genuinely caring and unselfish person can more easily be manipulated and controlled by a needy lover, parent, or child with the simple admonishment, "Not meeting my needs means you are being selfish." (Ironically, a truly selfish person doesn't care enough to be responsive to that kind of threat.) Thus the average woman, perhaps more than the average man, may need a reminder that when making complicated calculations involving the needs of others, she should give sufficient weight to what she needs and wants for herself.Taking your own needs and wants into consideration is not the same as selfishness.For women, an accusation of selfishness hits harder, since an ethos of caring is seen as a bedrock of the concept of femininity.
To counter the implied conclusion that women are somehow less morally developed than men, Gilligan proposed instead that they were merely different.One of my first questions to the caregiver would be, "When did you last take a vacation?" The devoted caregivers often looked aghast, as if I was being cruel in suggesting that they could even contemplate taking a vacation when their parent so clearly needed so much help. "If you don't take steps to care for yourself," I would tell the caregiver, "you will soon burn out, and we'll have two people in need of care instead of one. "My old mentor in Israel, the psychoanalyst Dov Peled, used to say, "You can't light a candle with an unlit candle." For all of us, but perhaps particularly for women, the caring and selflessness imperative should be balanced by an equally important habit of self-care.Protecting and nurturing your own light isn't selfish, but rather it is necessary, particularly if you wish to share it.Am not being biased honestly but I have dated so many women and WOMEN ARE SOOOO SELFISH.Selfless caring, like everything else, may have both productive and counter-productive consequences.