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I talked with a girl for a few weeks once before realizing that she was an escort, ignoring conspicuous amounts of bad grammar and borscht references for the sake of a few pretty pictures. One day she said “So maybe you take me for champagne and dinner at Tavern on the Green? The only people who go to Tavern on the Green anymore are confused tourists, Ed Koch, and people on dates with prostitutes. Just look for a restaurant that’s still preparing Caesar salads table-side. So how do you, loyal reader, identify a hooker when you see one on Match? For instance: “I will be liking very much to have cocktail now, please,” or “I will be taking your money for handjob before we do, yes? Coming along on all your dates is her “brother” Vlad, who yells “He pay first!

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